How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

I'm in a fix. Been in an affair for almost 2years and my partner fell for me. I tried to blow hot and cold but it doesn't seem to stop him from falling harder. I actually wanted to stop and told him many times I don't think we can go on anymore but everytime he cries and I soften and sticked around.

I really run out of ideas to let him know that I wanted to remain friends..Good good friends cos of our commitments to our respective families. I cannot simply go MIA cos he knows where I live. Any suggestions?

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

Most of Samsters here are here to share experiences, not to dictate or pose judgements, but to help as much as we can, to save lives, not for fortune as most of our views are freely given, even some of which are better than what paid professionals can give, nor for glory, as each of us leave no names or contact, to be praised or acclaimed, thanks to the owner of this site Bro Sam Leong, who in NZ, cares not a fig & would show his center figure to authoritative figures whom demand for names & ID of members, which gives anonymity which is necessary to speak forthrightly, truthfully without fear or favor to anyone, so long as what that had been posted - a privilege by brave Bro Sam - have no intentional direct hurt or harm another fellow Human, more so to Singaporeans, but only to allow views to challenge, or be challenged in open but hopefully diplomatic manner, to shed a light, to learn, , to change others or be changed by others, to progress....

As to your request, there is not much information given. Normally, between both sexes, should one be respected as a good good friend would eventually lead to marriage & a family - the bastion & growth of civilization, as each communicates well & have good thoughts of each other, care & concern.

Thus, one will wonder - could it be that you have FAR more unrealistic expectations from a guy - such as looks, wealth, sexual behavior, romantic notions, etc, that your present good good guy friend did not meet up to expectations?

There is no Mr or Ms Right in this World, as NONE is perfect. Each have their flaws. The only true Mr or Ms Right is the one whom will COMPROMISE with each other, to make the necessary journey of life meaningful & fruitful for the continuation of our Human Race...

Or, are you already married, & found a nice guy of your dreams, but yet due to marriage vows or the comfort zone provided by your avowed husband, unwilling to make the difficult choice of whom you want to spend the rest of your journey in life with?

You are not alone. 'Should I spend the rest of my life with the one who love loves me, or with the one that I love?' , sadly, is a perennial question faced by Humans...

Only with more revelations from you, can we share experiences, to help..

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

How about not softening when he cries.

He keeps on doing it cos it works. Duh.

And whether you can remain friends is up to him. Not you.

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

It's precisely why I came by to ask for advises here. It's the non judgemental stance most of you offer which I don't find anywhere else.

Ok a little bit more about my situation ..

It's not my unrealistic expectation. My AF (affair partner) is not exactly Andy Lau but we compliment each other. He dresses well for his age and care to smell nice. Sexual compatibility wise we are way off the charts. In short he exceeds all expectations but only thing is that we are both married and with children.

It's just a simple word 'guilt' and this guilt of mine will revisit me when I am with my husband having family time together. And exactly like what you said that no one is perfect that i felt that i have let my husband down whenever i see he is trying to do his part as a father. But as a husband, he doesn't make love to me anymore since a few years ago.
And that's this part when I'm with my AF, I feel alive and wanted. As for a woman to feel loved, we need to make love and create bond. Not just toys to satisfy ourselves with.

So u see, this is the fix I'm in. Although I'm unsatisfied at home I feel double bad to do this to another guy's family. Despite I know he loves me dearly and it's precisely why I shouldn't drag him along more. It'll end up badly. There's ultimately no future in affairs. But I do want at least a friendship where he can come by eat a meal or 2 I make whenever he misses my food or offer a company to run errands with.

Am I a bad person to just cut him off?

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

He wants this relationship to not end. Are there no other options? I feel like he is so poor thing 😅😅

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

No, you are just a very confused person.

Think about what you want with and from your husband.

Surely you have spoken with him about why he's not sexually interested in the marriage anymore?

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

I have spoken to him about the lack of sex. But he just shrugs it off and not talk about it anymore and just go about our daily life. And due to young children I don't think divorce is an option

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

Here's my 2 cents. I don't believe a man and a woman can ever be BFF. Best friends forever. They can just be acquaintance normal friends or what we call "friend zone"

However, BFF that definitely doesn't exist. A very close friendship between a man and a woman will always have a small window of opportunity for them to be intimate and romantic eventually developing feelings for each other. The only possibility of that not happening is if they are not straight. Probably being gay or lesbian.

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

Maybe you should try couples counseling if you still see a future with him. Problems like these aren't going to go away, and the longer problems go without resolution, the more problems will arise.

长痛不如短痛.

The best time to divorce is without kids. The next best time is when they are too young to blame themselves. Somebody I used to talk to shared her story with me, and it made me question everything about my own marriage, which I'd been questioning for some time already, but her situation crystallized everything for me.

Anyway back to being friends with him programming ...

I don't entirely with frozen in that I do believe exes can be good friends, or even best friends.

But that can happen only after enough time has passed, enough water flowed under the bridge and both parties have long since moved on.

But I do agree with him in that what you seek is likely impossible, that you and he can go straight from being lovers to being good friends.

Also, ask yourself honestly why you want that. Keep him on as a back up? Somebody whose arms you can easily run back into?

If not, then really you know the answer is obvious. Everybody can see it, you have to cut him off.

Angsting seems fun in a weird sado masochistic and even cathartic sort of way, but a poor basis for a quality existence.

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

Hi Qwerty6969.

I do agree with you on your points, such as women are not toys, & the sex act between a husband & wife in love is about being wanted, desired, the warmth of intimacy hugging each other in comfort till dawn arises..but sadly, the male's perspective is just simply an itch to be scratched to relive oneself...when it's over, turn over & drift off to sleep. Insensitive for sure to the female partner.

It is only common amongst married couples, more so after years & kids arrive. Having sex becomes a chore, as the male would have explored & discovered every contour & crevice of his lady partner, the same pattern, the same bed, each sex act, & instead would focus more on his responsibilities as a family man - career, kids, bills, etc to put food on the table for his loved ones - higher priorities than just mere sex acts.

However, women are not toys and have needs - the sentimental romantic notions that brought couples together in the initial courtship years that led to marriage. Your husband still loves you, but just probably insensitive or have little knowledge to your needs for warmth & intimacy..

Do not worry. Such intimacy that happened in the past can be rekindled - it just need the imaginative spark from you, patience & effort in the initial stage of rekindling intimacy.

A change in hairstyle, fake long eyelashes, whiff of perfume, slight makeup, etc, even at home. Most married women like to put on the dowdy looking slip dress for simplicity. Do not use it as it excites no male. Instead, wear sleeveless shirts that show off navel & side boobs with a hint of nipples appearing as you move. Wear satin or denim shorts to accentuates your hips & legs.

The concept is to make him excited, set his heart beating & pant for you. Just do not over do it as most women did - wear a sexy costume one night after dowdy dresses for years. It will only either make him laugh at your clownish efforts, or shock him into fear. Instead, do it slowly, but surely, a bit at a time, innocuously, for him to notice your gradual sexy change that will set his heart racing.

When he start desiring you at bed time, have patience...play with him, have some foreplay first - kissing, touching, to enhance his desire. When the sex act happens, equally have patience & kindness, especially the first few times, because once a man reach his late 30s or 40s, there may be issues of penis erection or its sustainability for long.

Do not be disappointed, but let him know its ok, then tell him kindly but firmly, with a cheeky twinkle from your eye that you will conduct an experiment with a viagra pill, to give him just after dinner, as the pill will only take effect after 1 or 2 hrs later, so that he need not be shy or feel inadequate to please you.

Once his confidence & manhood is literally inflated, he will enjoy making love to you again, & give you the intimacy you seek for, & from there, more experiments to teach him how to please you as you pleasure him..so long as none is harmed behind closed doors.

Hope it works.

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

As for you boyfriend, it is good & matured of you to know that the affair cannot be continued for the sake of both families. It will destroy not just you, but him, both your families & kids when it is discovered as it surely will.

Thus, to stop it, you will need mental strength & mental discipline - to draw a line on intimacy between you both.

There is no law or books that say married males or females cannot have or be friends. It is ok & acceptable in all societies, only that there must be a line that cannot be crossed - from friends to lovers which will only harm many innocent others & the consequences to entwined lives.

You can still be friends with him for sure, even him as a good good friend. Just meet in places where there are always people around so that there is no whiff of suspicion on you both.

Should talks & discussions or after a few drinks lead to hints of intimacy, you will need the mental strength & discipline to resist it. Just think of the consequences should you both be discovered.

If he insists, then it will be high time to let him know those consequences too - divorce, alimony payments to his wife, his kids, & then to buy a house for you both to live in, & the costs of bringing up & providing for your kids too. Such doses of REALITY will sink in. If he truly loves you & respects you, he will back off than to cause further harm to you & himself, unless you are only a toy for him, easily manipulated with tears by him.

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

hot and cold is an emotional roller coaster which can get him more attached to you. u need to be hard let him cry and just dont care. its because u soften so he knows he just needs to cry and you wont go.

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

if u try to please everyone u will end up suffering. its a break up. he has to be hurt.

the situation you are in is either you hurt and lose your family or you hurt him for a little while. fyi if he can cry more than once over the same issue. he making use of the tears to keep you. my personal opinion. so he will be fine if u break up.

Aiyo, why didn't u just find a duck to f and f off. Why find a sticky partner? U got yourself into a shithole. Maybe u can try to fake orgasm next time u f him. This turns guys off. Slowly and surely make the sex less appealing to him. Maybe he will slowly lose interest in you...

Re: How to stop a guy from falling in love with me yet remain friends
 

ah yes. the lost of the sex appeal can turn him off to find other girls. this may work. takes time though. and in the midst will have drama lor.. he start crying and start asking why u dont enjoy the sex anymore etc etc etc then he go think new kinky stuff to try to excite you lol